Pizza and Crowds

I was walking along the muddy

road a few days ago and passed a man carrying a pizza box. I stared at it as we crossed paths, wanting to reach out and touch it; this thing that brought back dreamy memories of a place I used to live, with pizza places that you could order to take out. It smelt so good. The train had just pulled in and the man must have brought the treasure along with him from Cochrane to share with a fortunate few. I wondered if it was still warm. It didn’t matter. The box alone invoked such strange emotions in me of sights and smells commonplace in a previous life but in which this new one was alien. This wasn’t the only time it has happened. On Thanksgiving Day I was cutting a slice of Pumpkin pie: I sprinkled some nutmeg on top, since it was right there, when a whiff of that spicy aroma sucked me into a space tunnel and brought me to the Starbucks in Chapters at Christmas time. The barristers were concocting fancy Christmas lattes while I sat surrounded by people, sipping on my own nutmeg-sprinkled one. I watched a timelapse video of Toronto and had to tame strong pangs of desire to walk through large, arching passageways filled with people going to and fro. I always accepted that the senses were acute to things that are new and unfamiliar but I’m realizing that they are even more so to things that were once commonplace but aren’t anymore. My sister suggested that it could be like a sugar addiction – which I’m very familiar with – in that there is such sensory overload in the city that I’m going through withdrawal and scanning my surroundings eagerly trying to be satisfied by what was once normal. Perhaps in time the addiction will fade and I will become receptive to the sensory stimulants here that aren’t as loud as the city. Or perhaps there is just something Godly in the design of the city. We will reside in the City of God after all. The one that is to be 12,000 stadia long, wide, high and so on. Tim Keller describes the city’s original purpose to be a place of cultural development, justice and refuge – that does sound enticing. Perhaps both possibilities are true; only time will tell.

Strong evidence of the lack of demanding sensory stimulants here is the darkness of the nights. One can barely tell where the trees end and the sky begins. The space between two streetlights on either side of a burnt-out one is truly not for the feint of heart. But there you’ll find is the opportunity to witness softer, more majestic lights if you’re willing to take your eyes off the familiar one up ahead. The stars here are magnificent.

Rocks and Trees

I moved to Canada from South Africa when I was 13 and have for the most part enjoyed living here, although not very conscious of what makes up the fabric of Canada. About a year and a half ago I went and stayed in north western Ontario for a month and found that there is a more elemental – more ‘Canadian’ Canada to be lived that has become extinct in the southern stretch of Canada. I do love that ‘southern stretch’; it is a unique landing pad for people of different cultures to come be themselves together. It has been the landing pad that allowed me to grow up freely and most of all it was where I found the people that I hold dear to now and will cherish for many many years to come. In the north, though, it is not multicultural. It is Canadian. The Canada I discovered in the north caught my heart and now, after a string of different situations and conversations with people, I have ended up moving to a little town in northern Ontario called Moosonee. Before I moved here I was looking online for literature about Moosonee and northern Ontario in general but found naught, so I thought I would fill the void a bit with an exposé on life in The Canada that so few people know about and has been so little told about.

Moosonee is a town of about 3,000 people and is 850 km north of Toronto. It is not actually the latitude that makes it so different from other places in Canada but the isolation. It takes about a 10 hour drive from Toronto to a one-horse town called Cochrane, where the road ends (you can take the Northern Rail train too but it’s highway robbery – over $300 one way) You have to spend the night there and then catch a 5 hour train ride through the wilderness to Moosonee. The train only runs from Monday to Friday for three of the four seasons and gets into Cochrane late at night, so to get to Toronto one has to take the train out ($50), then a bus to Timmins, where the closest ‘major’ airport is ($20), spend a night in a hotel (± $120), take a taxi to the airport ($25) and then fly into Toronto (± $120). So long $10 Megabus tickets☹.

Moosonee is the gateway for a lot of the fly-in communities such as Attawapiskat, Fort Albany, Kashechewan etc. as in the winter they maintain winter roads (ice that they plow the snow off of) that they use to come get their supplies. The population is 85% Cree, a First Nation of Canada, and on Moose Factory (in Moose River) there is a First Nations reserve.

Moose River is really beautiful and the hiking trails and surrounding woods (and by surrounding I mean three meters from my house) and bush are rugged and enchanting – I can’t get enough of them. The town itself has no paved roads so is pretty dusty and muddy. The neighborhood I live in used to be the old army base so the houses aren’t anything pretty on the outside, but you walk in and they do this Mary Poppins bag trick, doubling in size - they’re very lovely inside and very homey.

As for the Canadian lifestyle, I’m excited to get into it! Canoeing, fishing, hunting, skidooing, ATVing, cross-country skiing, etc. I’m excited at the prospect of discovering a whole new side of this country. I will try my best to post my findings up here for anyone who is interested!

Why do Adults ask Children What They Want to Be When They Grow Up? To Get an Idea for Themselves

We are made to work. From the beginning the first man was working the land and caring for it. I don't say this with a downcast countenance - the thought is inspiring actually! I often stand in awe of human industry.

You may have seen a series produced by BBC called Planet Earth of incredible footage of various natural phenomena in remote places around the world. My favorite part though is the last five minutes or so of each episode, called Planet Diaries, that tells off the efforts, teamwork, ingenuity, inventions, risks and perseverance it took to capture all the footage. This blows my mind the most! Man, the expanse of human occupation is astounding! Specialists in the movement of water under bridges; people who design computer chips; traders of obscure numbers; salesmen of mine machinery; people who wipe old peoples bums, in love!; people who create recipes; writers for Horse and Hound; tongue therapists; crime scene photographers... It's amazing what us humans get up to!

You know, the first time the bible records someone being filled with the Spirit, its to work. And to do what they were doing excellently. "He has filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts - to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic craftsmanship." (Ex 35:31-33)

Work is good. It's good to be industrious and skilled. It's good to be ambitious and productive. Good for the soul.

This has been a buzz topic in my life for a while and consequently have explored it with many people. It's been eye-opening to discover just how much I'm not alone in my quest to answer The Great Question; to learn just how much I'm surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses regarding The Question; in fact, I haven't spoken with someone who doesn't ask The Question - skilled in what? Productive in what? Industrious in what? How often I've heard the words, "I don't know what I'm doing with my life". Understand, I'm not just talking about people who are in similar circumstances. I'm talking about people who have their masters and are working in their field, ladies with husbands and kids, high school graduates, students currently in a post-secondary program. People who have been passionately working towards a specific profession since I've known them (which is since infancy). Who would have thought!

I'm convinced that if you are someone who feels like everyone around you is whizzing along a specific life path with confidence and clarity and you're just standing there looking dazed, I can say with much conviction that you, sir, are not alone! It can be rather exciting actually.

Truth Music

I'm about to pack away the last journal I filled up and I remembered that I had started a particular songlist. I thought I'd post it up here before it gets stuck at the back of the drawer. These are songs that, to me, tell the story of the gospel, what Jesus actually did when He died on that cross, or of the "many benefits" that we get to relish in. None of the, "here I come to bow down, here I come to worship" stuff. PLEASE don't get me wrong; that stuff, when it's used at the right time, is marvelous. But if we find ourselves in a place where we're tired or grumpy and then have to sing that song, well... we either lie as we sing it, try convince ourselves we're singing it "by faith" (please) or become introspective about our condition and where we're at in our walk. I'm going to be dramatic and say that all those originate in hell. The music below is not about us coming to worship but about Him coming to pay our debts. If, after declaring songs like that until your heart inevitably spills over, you want to declare that you want to come to worship, to bow down and to say He's your King, well then that's beautiful!

Anyway, here it goes:

1.) Nothing but the blood - Haven't found a version that I really like yet so if you have one to recommend that would be awesome (not Mat Redman's version please). "This is all my righteousness, nothing but the blood of Jesus" - stunning! One note tho, some friends pointed out that this song could be sung is if it hasn't taken place yet (what CAN wash away my sins..) - Jesus has ALREADY washed away all my sins. Important to note
2.) See His Love - Kim Walker - "This is Jesus. In His glory. King of Heaven. Dying for me. IT IS FINISHED. He has done it. Death is beaten. Heaven beckons me."
3.) Before the Throne of God Above
4.) True Love - Phil Wickham (not a huge fan on recorded version but his life performance on Air1 radio is awesome. Check youtube)
5.) Happy Day - I like Kim Walker's version
6.) Dance with You - Ed Kowalcyzk (Live band) - This is a secular song and yet one of the best tellings of the Gospel and Grace ever
7.) The Saving One - Starfield
8.) Creed - Third Day (Rich Mullins) Not a fan of the song but it does fit the criteria
9.) I Remember You - Third Day
10.) Jesus Saves - Tim Hughes - same deal as #8
11.) Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Riddle
12.) I Christ Alone
12b.) Mighty is the Power of the Cross - Chris Tomlin

These are songs that almost fit the criteria but either have a chorus that are more responsive of the gospel story that's told in the verses (or the reverse of that) or are a tad abstract so not quite as clear as the songs above:

13.) Holding Nothing Back - Melissa Wise
14.) Amazing Grace - John Newton
15.) Life Anew - Michael Bryan (www.michaelbryanmusic.com)
16.) Jesus, Lord of Heaven - Phil Wickham

These are songs that don't really fit the criteria well but have a few lines that directly about the cross
17.) Your Love is Everything - Chris Quilala
18.) I Have found - Kim Walker
19.) When I Survey the Wondrous Cross - Isaac Watts


If you have some songs to add, please please do!

Childlike

I found this in My Notes on Facebook and thought I'd stick it in here just for the sake of having all blog-like things in one place.

I found a bundle of photos a while ago that were from a big poster my mom and sister made for my 21st birthday party. They were pictures of me when I was younger. I was flipping through them and realized how precious I was. So unbound, full of innocence, I saw no limits and had no reason to fear, think pessimistically, or view anyone with distrust. Then my thoughts shifted to my dad’s perspective, and how it must have been so heart breaking to watch his girl show signs of a bitter heart, lacking peace, starting to hate people. How devastating that this little thing of innocence should now be displaying something as filthy as hatred, communicated with white hot anger. How tragic it must have been, and must be for fathers, to watch their children depart from simple purity and instead choose a route so much less than what was in store for them (And God, the Ultimate Father, has so much in store for us). My heart began to groan at the tragedy of it all, transitioning from the perspective of my own dad to the Heart of God Himself. That he had to suffer the sorrow of witnessing the apple of His eye choosing to come out from under his wing into the wild and merciless world where one can do little but become damaged, confused and wan. I’m so grateful I’m under that wing again (and by no cause of my own but because God, with a patience that… ruins my rationale, wooed me back). But while I was sitting on the floor looking at these pictures, my emotions and mind began to swell with awe as He started to reveal his full intentions to me. His desire was not only to shield me once again under His wing, but that He is able and longing and is already, in fact, restoring me (and I believe the Church) back into that little girl in these photos. Healing is one thing, but making something childlike out of something that’s lived corruption? Now that’s miraculous. As if I’d never tasted anything but what is Godly, never taken my foot off His path… Unbound, full of innocence, no limits in sight, no reason to fear, and on the road to all that He has in store for me. “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

With Him, miraculously, nothing is lost. Selah.

Brain Crack

From many external and internal forces I've been feeling motivated to blog again, though you wouldn't know it since this little space has remained silent for what, a year? This is because I've not had a clue of what to write. Not to say, though, that there has been nothing on my heart or mind. The opposite's true actually. But the problem is that most of my brain crack (will define later) is very undeveloped, non conclusive, fuzzy little things.

I'll give you an illustration. Everything that can be shaken will be shaken. That phrase has been cutting into my thoughts left, right and centre lately. You can't very well call that a blog. A Facebook status maybe. I know that it's a reference to a scripture but haven't searched it out, found the context or looked up the Greek 'cos I don't feel it. I could wait for it to develop and unfold in my head and heart but quite frankly that would mean I'd never be ready to blog about anything. I suppose I could say that when this truth pops into my thoughts I feel this sensation of a reality bigger than myself and what occupies my attention a lot of the time, and this sense of vulnerability that what may be certain to me now will become uncertain. But moreover I feel a sense of peace and safety at the guaranty that all that stands unshaken is pure, trustworthy, eternal and very lovely, because what God does in us by his transforming power is always lovely and good and delightful.

You see, all that is is an unarticulated feeling that has no relevance to anyone other than me and even then is unknown in its cause and effect. I'd prefer not to use this space to ramble on like that so I'm going to do an experiment and hone in on two themes to see if giving myself some boundaries will actually help me dive into the challenge of articulating, extrapolating and recording thoughts. This is much needed practice of a very useful life skill (the explanation of ideas) and also may be where I hash out what I think I believe and what it turns out I'm actually believing. If it so happens that I have less to say about these subjects that I think I do, or start to feel they're too big for me, or if I just find myself wanting to write about other things, that's fine. But I would like to at least take a bash at these ideas. If you, whoever may read this, have things to add or a challenge, please do! I do ask though that you remember that this is me laying things on the table and having a look at them, rather than presenting my conclusion after years of looking at thousands of pieces of data as a qualitative researcher. I'm being vulnerable here - and you should too;)

So! I used a term above that I said I would define.

Brain crack n. 1. Something you always revert back to thinking about as soon as the opportunity arises 2. Some project or idea you intend on doing but never actually get around to.

I will be choosing two of my most recurring brain cracks as my themes for this space. They are 1. The Gospel - the consequence of the cross and all things pertaining to that, and 2. Choosing what to do with your life (mostly relating to careers). These are two things I think about constantly, but it's not necessarily progressive thinking. For example, I think all the time, "I don't want to get into debt again. I don't want to get into debt again. I don't want to get into debt again." but that doesn't mean I've been thinking through different possible ways to avoid debt when starting school. So we'll see.

I must say I find my brain crack quite exciting. I hope you get a kick out of it too;)

The Shade

I can see how it's going to be hard to start a blog post when I don't have a particular thing I want to say, but I'm still going to write one for the following reasons:
1.) the kitchen counter is covered with dirty dishes, which are all mine (my roommates have this wonderful habit of washing their dishes as soon as they've been used) and the couch cover has a big chocolate smear over it which I should be wiping down right now.... and well, considering I spent the vast majority of this beautiful Saturday studying Geometry indoors, I just don't wanna do any of those things right now.
2.) I'm sitting out on my balcony on a very comfy chair with a fuzzy blanket and cup of tea late at night and it's getting me all "bloggy".

So this is why I named this spot Apple Tree:
It's inspired by a wonderful scripture that set my feet down a very new and delightful path some months ago, and it's from Song of Songs - "Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste." ... actually, let me add the next verse; it wasn't part of my "feet setting", but it's great too. "...He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love."
Maybe one day I'll write more about this, but for now I'll say that, on a whole, I am not a romantic person. Show no tendencies towards it - in the blue class (equivalent of senior kindergarten) they got all the lighties partnered up and taught us to ballroom dance. I refused point blank to do something so silly, so me and my poor partner had to sit on the side and watch the other kids have what looked like a bunch of fun. All that to say it was very sovereignly that God led me through the forest to the apple tree one day (wow, even that sounds too poetic for me), and, oh, the shade!! You don't leave it the same person. Every time.

Have you ever sat in His Shade? I hope you have!! It may not have been quite as I described it... maybe not the same type of scripture, maybe slower, I don't know - it seems God has as many unique ways to "hang" with a person as there are people... and more than that 'cos I reckon He has many one-of-a-kind-ways to commune with one person. If you're not sure, I would characterize the Shade as this: totally outside of your circle of experience; changes you in a minute; but mostly the joy and peace... I know we read about joy and peace in the word, but it is so unmistakable in the shade... a person who has never had the privilege of reading or hearing about the fruit of knowing God would explain the shade with those two words, I'm sure of it. I think that is going to be my hearts prayer tonight as I fall asleep. That everyone that reads this, and all the people they love will get to sit in the shade, for the first time or again and again again.

Can I just make a note about the comment on the dishes, that I, too, am getting pretty constant at doing my dishes quickly after using them (not counting today). Can I brag about one more thing? Today, Nikki my roommate went to Chapters and got a coffee and sat checking out books, which I could very easily have joined her, and it would have been sweet bliss. But instead, I stayed at home and reached my goal in math. How's that for self-discipline eh?! One brownie point for me in the good decision making department. I'm so proud:)

ok, it's 2am once again and should hit the hey.
sweet, shady dreams!
Mish